2003.06.09 : 07.18 // #79

it's rather disheartening that i only really feel motivated to write when (a) insomnia leaves me with nothing better to do, (b) i'm depressed or irritated about something, (c) i'm operating under some combination of the two. chalk tonight up to angst and insomnia, okay? it's fun wondering if you should continue to trust people, whether what they aren't telling you isn't going to be...painful. should you wonder what is said about you when you aren't around or involved in the conversation?

but enough of that. i've been meaning to write for a number of reasons, and of course...they keep getting put off. for a while now, i'd been meaning to point out that Naomi's got a new page layout, and that you should go check that out. i've also been meaning to post an update on the progress of Victor's book. at the moment, he's taking pre-orders to help cover the cost of printing, and if you're interested (and live in the continental U.S.), you can secure a copy for $12.50 ($10.50 + $2 postage), which is a savings of $5 off his projected retail. i'm not sure how much longer that's going to last...he was looking at taking a finished product on CD-ROM to the printer on Wednesday. i've been planning on putting together a website to promote his book, and had initially been looking to setup some kind of pre-order by PayPal, but now i'm wondering if that'll come together before the book is printed. however, you can mail check/money order/well-concealed cash (although i'd recommend getting a money order over the last option) to:

Victor Densmore
Post Office Box 263
Hardwick, VT 05843-0263

so for the most part i'm caught up. you really aren't missing out on much in the way of incidentals, unless you're really attached to my ranting. for those of you who feel greatly deprived of this, you're welcome to contact me for outtakes of entries that never will be. i've got over a thousand words that were written on my phone, as one iteration of that. first time i ever exceeded the char limit on a Palm OS memo. but then, i was always a little too verbose for my own good. as far as being cryptic...i think that's still Tj's franchise.

i just write. and write. and then throw it all away...or let it clutter up my computer in badly named text files. because i'm apathetic. there's no shelf life. brooding just doesn't keep well. it just hangs on to life tentatively as a lot of journal([0-9]+).txt files in a "Documents" dir that my OS gives me by default, which i use out of a lack of motivation to whack it and make it lowercase. i tend to hate caps from the command line. it's trivial. like the text files and their contents.

[out of some effort to convince myself that this entry is going up tonight, i'm saving the working copy as the file that my e-mail script uses. we'll see if this is optimism. if you're reading this, it's not.]

let's get back to the updates you've missed, okay? after talking to Todd, it seems that arrogance (the new server that he, i, and a few other people are waiting on) is probably going to be delayed a bit more before it's online...apparently Verizon isn't quite managing to live up to what they projected as a date on his connection, and he was looking for an alternate provider. i'm assuming that since i've yet to hear from him about it, he hasn't had any luck yet.

i'm looking forward to that being online. i've talked to Arion and Tj about trying to start up a 'zine in the vein of despoNdent, since Randy hasn't had time to do despoNdent for far too long, and apart from all of my despoNdent content which is duplicated in my words and giftart sections, it's not accessible. it'd be nice to be back into deadline-driven content of my own devising...my page rarely fuels much desire to do anything in a timely fashion. it's too easy to put off. and you could use more reading, right?

so now i'm listening to Gary Numan's newest studio album, and wishing i didn't feel so dead. sick. listless. whatever. cut here.

flip playlists, skip the cynicism on Carracho, and fast-forward to me brooding a bit more about nothing in general. after finally changing Shiuji-kun's notify-list e-mail address for him (since he apparently didn't feel like unsubscribing himself and then resubscribing), i actually bothered to look at my list handler log, for the first time in forever. there are a few too many of you that i have no clue who you are. which reminds me that i should update more often. i thank you for the interest, even if i'm sure this has to get a bit disappointing at times. @.~

it's rapidly approaching morning, and i'm not sure where to go from here. i keep finding myself watching my file transfer monitor on Carracho, or tossing more songs into my "live random" playlist in iTunes. which reminds me that i haven't plugged the iTunes theme that i added to my files page. if you're like me and think that the newest version of iTunes is ugly, you might like my mod. (note that the <DF> that i included is not for the update which limits the sharing support. i don't really see any reason to download that, since it takes away functionality, and as far as i'm aware, doesn't fix anything else.) all of my chat windows are idle, and despite this being not all that surprising (it's 5am, and no-one in their right mind is up now, in my opinion), it'd be nice if i had someone to converse with.

instead i watch the sun start to come up, and listen to angry Tj-punk. it's rather weird not to see him at least away on AIM. (you're slacking on your idle, punk!) i suppose that listening to the Ataris is some kind of substitute. and i noticed that Light missed the Snog link in the last entry. but i'll reiterate that later, along with an additional one, so don't bother to hunt it down in the previous entry...unless you're really that bored. i've been on a rather insane David Thrussell (Snog, Black Lung, Soma, other projects) kick lately. 218 tracks. not quite as obsessive a collection as say TLPD, but kind of impressive, i'd think. he's not as prolific as The Legendary Pink Dots. i don't think that anyone is.

daylight creeps in the half-open windowshade. i fork the sign of a cross at the window with two index fingers, as if warding off a vampire, and chase it with more caffeine. it's not helping. i'm starting to think that my sister is avoiding me (but it's more likely that my mother is working her to death, as the last i heard, she's working 6 days a week). and i can't help brooding about the subject of my allusory comments at the opening of this. i think that it's better to tell someone something before they find it out for themselves...and it's hard not to wonder when you watch someone lapse into oddly secretive behaviour. precedent is hard to ignore. perhaps i imagine things that aren't there, and i exaggerate the severity of things. i don't understand why someone would intentionally prolong any kind of relationship with someone who consistently demonstrates no skill at faithfulness, even if that relationship is merely friendship, but making this a furtive thing...? i start inferring malicious intent where i hope there is none. fidelity shouldn't be limited to describing recordings, despite the mores of our culture.

[break as i try to exorcise thoughts of permanence]

and so i end up thinking about something that Tj wrote, about how, should something happen to him, i inherit all of his web content. i can't imagine being prolific enough to fill that void. i don't want to compare the number of entries, even if i don't resort to the brevity of some of the entries or the percentage of song lyrics that comprise his journal...my journal just doesn't compete. that said, i still really like the terminal layout that we came up with that he's using now. and at least i still write more than Arion (just barely, he's closing in), Naomi, and Xero. i doubt that the latter two will be any kind of CONTENT~! competition, anytime soon. *grins* especially Xero, which is unfortunate.

for those of you who are still following his seemingly-endless battle with Hodkins...the chemo fun continues. it would be nice if you'd continue to let him know that he's in your thoughts. it's been a while since the last time i've gotten to catch up with him. *thinks about all the people he probably owes e-mail and puts off even trying to catch up for a while longer* the outlook of me catching up on e-mail is...hopeless. yet i should try harder to keep up with everyone. soon...

a few more thoughts, and then i'm gone...noise to signal increases, and the length is up there again. it's nice to read that Sabin's on his meds, if there's some chance of him attending Naomi's graduation. i'm still a bit miffed that someone mistook me for him at the grocery store here...i actually know how to properly configure Apache, and how to use "/etc/hosts" to do localhost aliases (the proper *nix way), rather than using Mac OS X's NetInfo Manager and trying to assert that webpages need to be in "/Library/WebServer/". you'd really think that being able to customize the path on the DocumentRoot directive would cause any intelligent person to realize that the path can be anything. personally, i've always tended to use "/web/" or "/www/" with domain subdirs on any kind of production box, with those subdirs symlinked as "public_html" in their owners' home dir. but then...i'm not a chmod retard, and understand how to use "ln" with the "-s" flag.

if you'd like a better tutorial on how to use Apache's VirtualHost, let me know. you've reached the end. good morning!

[the obligatory dedicated-to-Light-for-this-issue notes: THE POWER OF SNOG COMPELS YOU~! here's a double shot of David Thrussell as Snog. start with the wonderfully morbid "Make the Little Flowers Grow" (The Gold-Eating Ants mix of that song), then listen to "The Human Germ." they're both from The Human Germ single, but you can also find the original version of both songs on Buy Me... I'll Change Your Life. enjoy the music. i'll try to avoid waiting so long to write, next time...despite my continual failed promises to do just this in nearly every entry. au revoir.]

[EOF]

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